Some things never change, which isn’t exactly a good thing I suppose. Here I am, in a cramped-up apartment room, just right smack in the middle of the busy and stress-inducing streets of Manila, yet I feel exactly the same way I did more than a year ago, locked up in my small bedroom in relatively more peaceful Bataan. But my mind is still chaotic, my thoughts restless.
You’d think that in college, everything would change. A whole other set-up; an entirely different game. In some ways, it is. It’s a refreshing break from the same environment I’ve known for nearly 13 years of my life, and it’s humbling to be in a crowd of different people from different walks of life, with intellectual capacities possibly even greater than mine.
Yet, this game is the ultimate challenge. Enough of the little leagues, I’ve graduated to the major leagues. And sometimes, it’s not about how well you play the game. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to play the game, there’s that chance that you will fall. Despite several vain attempts to get back up on your feet. Standing up victoriously is hard, especially if you’re severely wounded.
And you know what hurts the most? No matter how much blood, sweat and tears you’ve shed, no matter how many bones you’ve broken, and no matter how much you’ve tried and stubbornly refused to accept defeat, even if it’s right there screaming at your face, is that you still end up feeling like a failure. It’s like having your coach yell at you that you didn’t play the game right, despite you almost dying out on the field. It’s having him tell you that you didn’t try hard enough, even if you did. It’s having him let you feel like such a disappointment, such a shame to him, when all you wanted to hear was, “You fought well. You put up a good fight.”
How can you fight for something when someone’s already telling you that you’ve lost?
Some things never change.
So, it’s been a while since I last blogged. Today, I realize, is the late President Cory Aquino’s death anniversary…and it’s officially been a year since I’ve taken my UPCAT. Barely three months into UP, and I’m slowly beginning to be immune to the pungent odors and generally hostile environment of Manila—definitely not the most conducive learning conditions, but I’ll survive—hopefully.
Looking back, how things have turned out now, is not how I’d have imagined myself a year ago, in my blue-and-yellow uniform, starry-eyed and all. Hell, I’d never even considered Nursing. I’ve thought of two things to do after I’d gotten the news: Lock myself in my room and sulk, and scream. But really, where does that get me?
A talk with Mark two weeks ago on our anniversary has made me think a lot—maybe it is time to make Plan B. I guess the reason I’ve been feeling so helpless for over a year now is the perpetual thought of being doomed. I’ve always felt that I had no control over my life, my future. After a sudden contemplation, I’ve realized (word of the day :P) several things.
On the other hand,
Funny, how barely three months in UP has changed me. Personality-wise, I’m probably still the same old Sam, but the ideals UP stand for has helped shape whatever goals I choose to pursue. I remember during my senior year in high school thinking that thinking of life ahead was still a big hazy cloud, with a giant question mark (?) on it. Funny how things turned out afterwards. And in some respects, I still feel that way. Nursing was never part of my plan. But given what choices I have, and things I choose to stand for now, it MAY be.
Passing through PGH to get to Padre Faura makes me see the plight of many Filipinos, waiting in what seems like a never-ending line. Some of them even wait for hours. They choose to go to PGH, because where else can they turn to? They have to suffer and endure the tedious, poor system, with the huge risk of being cut off from the quota simply because PGH is the only hospital within their means that can attend to their illnesses. The thought of leaving the country abroad, helping other people from other countries that have adequate facilities with their healthcare, while having full knowledge of how poor the Philippine health situation is, is just selfish. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame those people who go abroad in search of greener pastures, especially given the fact that times are hard these days for them to earn money. It’s just that, I feel that as a Nursing student, I feel like I have a responsibility to take care of these people. I don’t blame UP for implementing the Return Service Agreement. Because, what’s wrong with giving back?
On the other hand, let’s say I do shift, and law school doesn’t work out, I’d probably choose to be a professor in UP. I’ve always expressed wanting to have my own preschool when I grew older, and though UP is a far cry from that, there’s just something endearing about education, and sharing it. I know it’s going to be hard, but I do see myself having that sense of fulfilment by being an educator. I want to inspire people, and have that opportunity of helping them become the best people they can be. Plus the feeling of giving them cincos. >J And of course, it’s one of the ways I can give back.
Hopefully that hazy cloud is clearing up. Maybe, just maybe, I’m not doomed to fail after all.
And sorry for the song reference. :P It just felt fitting.
